pre-occupation

all my life, i've always looked forward to the holidays.

there's nothing like a long period of rest and relaxation after a school term has ended; days where one can just wake up late and spend hours in bed not doing anything.

imagine that.

a day just not doing anything.

and without a single worry.

well, i used to be that way.

during secondary school, and probably less so in JC...

but lately this seems impossible.

it seems that this holiday, i try to pre-occupy myself with things and activities.

this is very much unlike before, where i used to just laze about and not really care at all.

however, now it becomes intolerable to see a single day empty on my schedule.

i simply have to fill it up, by planning something, setting a goal to achieve, arranging a meeting with a friend, going for a run etc etc.

and it is interesting how i just realised this today, this pre-occupation.

am i trying to keep myself pre-occupied now that school is out?

and if so, consciously, subconsciously, or unconsciously?

it is perfectly plausible that perhaps, i have finally discovered that spending the holidays doing nothing is a complete waste of time, therefore i now try to make maximum use of my time.

i do not rule out this possibility.

however, it may only be part of the reason, or simply, a small contributing factor.

i remember thinking a week or two ago (when the exams ended), that the upcoming holidays may not necessarily be a good thing, considering that my mental capacities would be freed up for a lot of other things.

such things that would do well to stay out of my thoughts.

therefore it is highly possible that this pre-occupation is simply a form of escapism.

a way of suppressing thoughts, feelings, and maybe memories, by overloading the working memory with other things.

whether this is a good or bad thing however, remains to be seen.

yet, i have a strong feeling that the answer does not bode well.

Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

I wonder what your doing
Imagine where you are
There’s oceans in between us
But that’s not very far

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to runaway
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you where to runaway

Can you take it all away?

This pain you gave to me