new year usher

it has been an eventful year, 2011... just like how every other year has been.
anyway, with 365 days per annum, i would say it's pretty hard to classify any year as 'uneventful'; most definitely something of significance would have happened along the way.

as i sit here trying to collect my thoughts and memories from this past year, i am also in the process of recovering from an illness that threatens to ruin my countdown to the new year.
but all seems well, and i hope to start 2012 fully healthy and ready to take on the next 365 days.

it will be another long and arduous journey, with the second half of year 2 coming up, and then more planning to do university-wise before engaging semester 1 of year 3. module-planning is something very important i feel, and especially with SEP to manchester coming up in 2013 (that's 1 year away), it is crucial to figure out what modules to clear, and whether i might want to get some level-4000 honours modules out of the way.

either way, before i start talking about 2012 and my plans for the forthcoming year, let's just stick to discussing 2011 and remembering the significant moments that happened this past year.

so where do i begin?

2011 has really been full of ups and downs i guess, right from the very beginning to its very end. for lack of a better word, it really has been 'eventful'.
i remember right at the very start, the moment of countdown at the singapore flyer with stanley and hilda, watching the fireworks, and then abandoning them that night.
i remember a few other similar incidents that happened that january, and the aftermath of the breakup.
it was a pretty dark semester i would say; i just tried to focus on studies.
year 1 sem 2, taking stats, cognitive, and developmental...
that chinese new year, and AYGK that happened on 初夕! |--|_
hall-wise saw IHG and ERC openhouse go by, as well as seniors farewell and the alumni dinner conducted by SL... and as such, my jobs as touch rug TM, soccer player, ERC prog cell member and SL pub cell member ended.
i then remember rushing on the 28th of april right after PL3233 paper to go to switchfoot concert, without giving much of a hoot for my last paper on the 30th (:

and then holidays flew by really quickly.
psych camp, the HK trip, SWOC, reservist, the bday surprise they threw for me at my place. i'm thankful for those people (:
(cutting short and moving on to year 2)

after SWOC and o-week where we got to know the new freshies and helped them integrate into the block, it was back to school as usual and well, termtime once again passed by pretty quickly as well.
more modules, and this time it was moving up to level 6 and meeting new hall peeps.
the level 4 short wing of 10/11 had thus ended, and i soon found new companions in CS, jon, zhenlin, mingzhe, ivan, liankai, xiaoming, yeejiunn etc.
and then there was night cycling and all the recces and planning.
oh and my injury to the ankle meant i couldnt continue my driving lessons, my bike lessons, and soccer and sepak visions were all halted... i decided to head in the cultural direction instead and auditioned for sheares band and geyao. at the same time, horizon smile started to have more performances and exposure opportunities, plus i started doing more covers and writing songs. in a sense, the roadblock in the sporting section caused much advancement in the music area... which is quite a good thing i guess.
inspirationally, music and song-writing have all been very good outlets for expressing my thoughts.
and in this life, what would we do without music?

i also have in mind a whole list of people to thank.
but that would significantly lengthen this post, and besides i'm not really in the right mind to do any form of thanking now... let me perhaps, collect all my thoughts and on another day i might just have the random urge to write them out then.

lastly, my sincerest apologies for this poorly constructed crap of words.
but this crap hereby concludes my 100th post of ynwaben.blogspot.com, to end the year.

just like how i attempted to tweet my 2011th tweet before the stroke of midnight, and my 2012th one when the new year had arrived (to create some form of meaning and significance out of nothing), let this 100th post end off the year of 2011, and subsequently, the 101st post shall start off the journey of 2012.

have a good year ahead my friends!
i leave you with wise words from a professor i greatly admire and respect.
may they inspire you as well.


"I am sure you will continue to do very well in school. And staying healthy is a must, while being happy is a bonus; we always say, regardless of situations, the one who is happy (or at least not unhappy) ultimately wins. But I think happiness must be sought top-down, since it rarely (if at all) occurs bottom-up.

And this thought is related to a personal opinion on a new year per se, which I thought I would share with you: While the boundary between 31 Dec and 1 January is, to me, arbitrary and does not necessarily guarantee a happier future year, our goal really is to try and stay happy always. Thus, may you continue to experience happy, and fulfilling, days in 2012."

p.s. the fireworks this year were awesome, not to mention the vhd company.

and... mcatdr was reset at the cityhall mrt escalator themepark slide (Y)

"thanks for helping me clean the mrt station?"

you're welcome.

triarchic theory of life

have you heard of the triarchic theory of love?
or the triarchic theory of intelligence?
both these theories are formulated by robert j. sternberg, an american psychologist.

i, however, propose a new triarchic theory in this post - one of life.

for it is my belief that in life, we all wish for three things.
   1. love
   2. money
   3. health

we need all three in order to lead a happy life.

without the first, you would grow old, live a sheltered life without pain nor disease, and have everything you ever needed... but you would have nobody to share your happiness with.
without the second, you would be poor and struggle through everyday life, living a life of poverty... this is why we are studying so hard today; we all wish to succeed and become financially stable.
without the third, life would be miserable even though you have everything else... one could be rich and lucky enough to find his/her happiness in the form of a true soulmate, but without health, nothing else matters.

if i told you i could give you two of the three, which two would you choose?


i only wish for a life of peace and happiness...
to be contented with the simple things.
to live in thrift and simplicity and not spend unnecessarily.
to work hard and fight for the things and people i love.
to always practice humility and be respectful to others.
to be kind and helpful to all in need.

anyway, without the first and the third, life would be redundant.

therefore by the process of elimination, i have quite easily answered the question i posted to you earlier.

天天开心，美梦成真。

vice verses

why do we always want the things we can't have?
and vice versa, not want the things we can have?

it's a very stupid behavioural phenomenon in my opinion, if let's say, we are programmed by nature to do so.
or perhaps it's just murphy being an ass as usual, that sonofa.

life never gives us what we want, does it?
and for the things we don't want, there are plenty.
perhaps it is the sheer abundance of such things that turns us off?
or our dislike for it that creates an illusion of exaggeration.

and for the things we can't have, maybe it's because we can't have them, that compels us to want them even more.
things always work both ways, it sometimes gets very annoying.
freaking two sides to the coin all the time...

either way, i can only hope for the best.
it'd be such a waste if this slips away... really really.

and honestly i'd hate to fathom it.


walking along the high tide line
watching the pacific from the sideline
wonder what it means to live together
looking for more than just guidelines


i know there's meaning to it all
a little resurrection everytime i fall
you got your babies, i got my hearses
every blessing comes with a set of curses
i got my vices, i got my vice verses
i got my vice verses


where are you in my broken heart?
everything seems to fall apart
everything feels rusted over
tell me that you're there


looking for signs in the night sky

numbers

all my close friends should know that i have a knack for remembering numbers.
maybe i'm just naturally good at it, or perhaps it could be that i actually LIKE to remember sequences of digits.
(think maybe it's a bit of both?)

but anyhow, the fact is i constantly remember numbers, even if i don't want to.
birthdates, telephone numbers, matric numbers, NRIC numberss, street numbers, unit numbers, postal codes, deadlines, timings, exam dates, exam seat numbers, bank account numbers, credit card numbers... you name it.
anything that involves numbers, i tend to remember...
and rather accurately too.

below are some numbers that i cannot forget.
thought it'd be good to jot them down here... just in case.
when i look back upon this post in several years' time, i hope to be able to remember exactly what all these numbers signify/represent.

300107
060407
060607
150707
090108
300108
060408
081109
230110
160410
300410
150710
231210
(231211)



可能这是我为你写的 final 一首歌...

我终于肯放手了...

goodbye my love.

labyrinth (360)

our minds are like labyrinths.
endless thinking in circles... one crazy ass maze.

imagine a huge hall, like an art exhibit where pictures are hung on the walls.
one can only hang so many pictures given the wall-space.
however, if you create a maze, adding dividers and thin walls to create many winding paths and corridors, you would be able to hang so many more paintings.

this creates an enormous amount of wall-space, enough to hang tons of pictures and memories.
but finding things would be very difficult, compared to the one big empty gallery where you can easily go through all the paintings by just standing in the middle of the hall and turning 360 degrees.

if you take a look at the human brain, you can probably see which kinda' hall it resembles.

envy people who don't think so much...

could it be that their art galleries are much less complicated?

wonder what it would be like if our minds were just one big spacious room.

no winding walls and narrow corridors.

perhaps we couldn't have as many memories or acquire as much knowledge in our lifetimes, but at least going through everyday decisions in life and locating things wouldn't be so difficult.



on a side note, the number 360 also has a separate significance.
in 5 more days, i aim to start a new chapter in my life.

and since we are in the labyrinth context, i think the past few days have been good in the sense that i now have a clearer perspective on everything?
i believe that most of the time, the way to find the solution to the maze is to simply stop, take a backseat, and think it through.
there's really no point running frantically in all directions hoping to find the exit.

so yep... i'll find my solution soon.


oh boy you ought to leave this town
get out while you can, the meter's running down
the voices in the streets you love
everything is better when you hear that sound

meet me in the morning

when you, when you forget your name
when old faces all look the same
meet me in the morning when you wake up
meet me in the morning, then you'll wake up

bitter and hardened heart
aching, waiting for life to start
meet me in the morning when you wake up
meet me in the morning, then you'll wake up


if only i don't bend and break
i'll meet you on the other side
i'll meet you in the light
if only i don't suffocate
i'll meet you in the morning when you wake


really in the mood for keane these past two days.
bend and break, perfect symmetry...
simplicity has always been the key to good honest lyrics.

so i'll just keep it simple, and wait it out.
i've always been here anyway.


i'll meet you in the morning when you wake

你想知道答案吗？

sometimes, i'd rather not know the answer.

like the leak of the business results that CS mentioned?
if i were a biz student, i wouldn't check.
after all, what's the point of knowing something that isn't confirmed?
in jon tay's words (from his young childhood when his mom asked him if he wanted to go look at toys): what's the use of looking if you're not buying?

所以，请你不要现在告诉我。

sometimes the wait is the enjoyable part.
the wait of seeing a shooting star, rather than experiencing the actual streak.
the seconds that seem to last for years as you step up to take your penalty kick.
the short silence that comes just before the bridge of your favourite song.

it's the anticipation that i'm talking about.
that feeling you get just before a critical moment is about to happen.

then when your moment comes...

there's a still in the street outside your window
you're keeping secrets on your pillow
let me inside, no cause for alarm
i promise tonight not to do you no harm
i promise you babe, i won't do you no harm


and we're caught up in
the crossfire of heaven and hell
and we're searching for shelter
lay your body down
lay your body down
lay your body down


tell the devil that he can go back from where he came
his fiery arrows drew their beat in vain
and when the hardest part is over, we'll be here
and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fear


ohhhh

lay your body down
lay your body down
lay your body down


next to mine

let you be

wrote a few songs over the weekend...
here's the lyrics to one of them.
(tune not confirmed yet but it roughly fits the feel of the song)


you were never one to be tied down
went with the wind and went with the sound
they carried you across the seasons of rain
meadows of sunshine and rivers of pain

you'd sit there in silence and stare at the sea
holding the sand and holding your knees
figuring out all the stories of life
the hidden truths and uncovered lies

wanna know the voice inside your head
you never told me what it said
and now we're split into miles apart
no one to heal my unconcluded heart

don't know why or how i fell for you
was it fate, or was i meant to?
i held you so and you held me back
but the silence you always kept intact

it wasn't love from the very start
you inched your way into my heart
now on opposite sides of the shore we sit
oceans to kill the chance that we'll meet

wanna know the voice inside your head
you never told me what it said
and now we're split into miles apart
no one to heal my unconcluded heart

wanna know the true feelings you never showed
left me begging out in the cold
but true love is sacrifice and setting you free
so i'll let you go and i'll let you be

i'll let you go and i'll let you be

so impossible

i wanna' be at the beach, listening to the tides crash.
i wanna' be in the forests, breathing nature into my lungs.
i wanna' be by the lakes, gazing into a vast reflection of the horizon.

i wanna' be there, writing songs about life, love, hope, tragedy, death.
i wanna' write songs about you, and songs about me.

maybe one day, i'll write songs about us.


so she says
"everyone's going to the party,
won't you come if i come
with a friend for your friend?
i'd be so pleased to see you
out of the classroom
wearing the smile that i'll bring you
i was hoping to learn a few things like...
do you do you like dashing the dirt
on the whole class
or talking the big smack
or playing the fool
or wearing all of the latest fashions
or bucking the new trends
wearing your old threads
or if you like coffee in the evening?
these are a few things
that i'd like to know
that i'd like to know..."


so i say
"i've been scheduled to work but i'll call in
and my friend isn't busy
he'd be happy to join me
and maybe my friend
and your friend
will hit it off
or maybe...
we will?
i'm dying to know
do you do you like dreaming of things
so impossible
or only the practical
or ever the wild
or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with
someone you care about
but do you like making out
and long drives
and brown eyes
and guys that just don't quite fit in
do you like them?


so yes... 
i'll see 
you there."

the longest second

"when you meet the right person, you know it.
you can't stop thinking about them.
they're your best friend.
and your soulmate.
you can't wait to spend the rest of your life with them.
no one and nothing else can compare..."


after watching barney break up with nora, i realised that in life, we may tend to go in the wrong direction like an idiot and fail to notice that what we're truly looking for, lies in the other.

funny how things come into focus in such a short timespan.
but then again.

hate the feeling of the longest second...
suppose we'll just have to wait and see how things go.


"we've all done bad things...
doesn't mean we're bad people.
i don't care about every detail about your past
and i hope you don't care about mine either.
what i care about is ___"

dusklight

wrote this song while i was running in the evening today.
the breeze, the clouds and the setting sun really provided much inspiration for the lyrics, but also the journey of the run itself... the pressing on and pushing forth, the sweat and exhaustion experienced.

also, as i ran past a few elderlies who were out for their evening walk, i noticed the sad expressions on their faces as they saw my tired, troubled face.
there i was, fretting about life and modules and feeling all tired and jaded.
but then those frail, fragile, weathered hands were evidence that they have endured so much more than i have.
in a sense, they have really led the hard life.
and me? what could i possibly have to complain about?

i guess it's really all or never before...
just gotta' take our chances in life and perhaps we'll find what we're looking for (:

and don't ever look back, don't ever give up.
no regrets now, c'mon.



D - x0023x (x0022x)
G - 3x023x (3x423x) (x0223x)

everybody's having a hard time
everyone is living the hard life
it's all or never before
it's all or never before
so why don't you give it a try
take a chance and aim for the skies
find what you're looking for
you'll find what you're lookin' for

sighs in the wind
you're starting to begin
with one foot out the door
one foot out the door

the sun is setting down, down
the clouds are getting out, out
but the dusklight shimmers through
i'm reaching out to you

shadows across the tarmac
the sweatdrops upon your back
are coming down in streams
keep running and chase your dreams

and the grass is dancing in unison
the roses blooming through consequence
and every flower has its thorns
through every tragedy, hope is born

don't you ever look back
don't you ever look back
you can cry on the past
but there's no use for that


everybody's having a hard time
everyone is living the hard life
it's all or never before
it's all or never before
so why don't you give it a try
take a chance and aim for the skies
find what you're looking for
you'll find what you're lookin' for


don't you ever give up now
don't you ever give up now
don't you ever look back
don't you ever look back
don't you ever give up now
don't you ever give up now
don't you ever look back
don't you ever -

don't you ever look back
don't you ever look back
you can cry on the past
but there's no use for that


everybody's having a hard time
everyone is living the hard life
it's all or never before
it's all or never before
so why don't you give it a try
take a chance and aim for the skies
find what you're looking for
you'll find what you're lookin' for

sighs in the wind
you're starting to begin
with one foot out the door

don't let me down

here's a late shout-out to all those who have helped and supported us in one way or another! be it during our practices, helping with acquiring our guitar cables and piano stands during the auditions, coming down to watch us on sunday, or even just an sms to wish us luck!
thanks for everything, i'm really happy and pleased with our 2 hour set at chijmes' hog's breath cafe... it was really an enjoyable performance (:

:|

always be my baby
shine a light
sky is falling
dare you to move
the scientist
-
yellow
all about you
iridescent
stars
blind
-
hey jude
fix you
somewhere in between
rhythm of love
collide
unwell

征服全世界

我想成為一個很厲害的人

因為有了我

讓這個世界而有一點點的不一樣




(而我的世界... 不過就是你的心)

ham puffs

soccer @ chs today was really good.
tired as we all were, plus the significant drop in performance after not playing for over 3 months, it was still as enjoyable as ever. and probably why this bunch of secondary schoolmates will still try to meet up every saturday morning to kick some ball.

today after the game, we suddenly started talking about the old stalls and canteen foods... and oh man do i miss the 40cent ham puffs and peranakan food stall. always the same order of potato, minced meat, chicken drumstick... i remember (:

and then there was what we used to call "mix"!
the 50cent drink of 100+ and ice lemon tea mixed together, that's always 10,000 times more zai than the normal 100+ or ice lemon tea (40cents).
lol it's like when guy 1 orders "uncle yi ge lemon tea"
then guy 2 orders "uncle wo yao yi ge 100+"
then the guy 3 orders "uncle, mix."
then guy 1 and guy 2 will be like wahhhh
hahahaha

sighhh thinking about it really brings back all the memories and nostalgia...
really swear i could taste the ham puffs in my mouth this morning.

oh secondary school days where have you gone?! arghh

那些年，我們一起追的女孩

really really really one of the best movies i've ever seen.

and i don't normally re-watch movies, but for this one i'd make an exception.

seriously wanna' watch it again.

anyway, it's a good start to december... the good weather, bus and train rides, xmas lights and trees, the shiok roast duck from dian xiao er, the fireworks, and the awesome movie.

just hope the rest of the month will follow suit!

please no boring december holidays, please.

btw, really feel like exploring the whole of taiwan on a motorbike!

and someone please tell me where i can buy the official soundtrack :|

又回到最初的起點
記憶中妳青澀的臉
我們終於來到了這一天
桌墊下的老照片
無數回憶連結
今天男孩要赴女孩最後的約

又回到最初的起點
呆呆地站在鏡子前
笨拙繫上紅色領帶的結
將頭髮梳成大人模樣
穿上一身帥氣西裝
等會兒見妳一定比想像美

好想再回到那些年的時光
回到教室座位前後　故意討妳溫柔的罵
黑板上排列組合　妳捨得解開嗎
誰與誰坐他又愛著她

那些年錯過的大雨
那些年錯過的愛情
好想擁抱妳　擁抱錯過的勇氣
曾經想征服全世界
到最後回首才發現
這世界滴滴點點全部都是妳

那些年錯過的大雨
那些年錯過的愛情
好想告訴妳　告訴妳我沒有忘記
那天晚上滿天星星
平行時空下的約定
再一次相遇我會緊緊抱著妳
緊緊抱著妳

orion's belt

"as a song-writer, what i'm looking for - a fine balance of finding the things that tear you up inside, then looking beyond those things to find hope."

 

i really like this description by jon foreman, lead singer of switchfoot.

today i recorded 2 of my songs.
the first one, streetlights, was written this week.
the second is titled orion's belt and it was written in february last year.
spent a few days on that one and the lyrics to it are down below.

 

each song tells a different story.

[verse 1+2]
the moon hangs from a thread of silk tonight
orion’s belt aligned with my cold insides
gazing up at the white dots amassed
upon a dark canvas, small glimmers at best
 

saturn spins slowly, into the night
gazing quietly upon my plight
nodding away, not speaking a word
unspoken desires, intangible hurt
 
[chorus 1]
stars colliding at electric pace
asteroids floating in outer space
my heart still feels as if it's light years away
will i ever see you again, someplace, someday?
 
[verse 3]
three years in galaxies unknown to me
into the massive voids nobody could see
i wish you were here with me all of the time
somebody to hold and claim as mine
 
[chorus 2]
meteors high above are falling from grace
plummeting into this oh lonesome place
my heart still feels as if it's light years away
will i ever see you again, someplace, someday?
 
[bridge + outro]
sound doesn’t travel through vacuum, it’s true
words that fail to escape me, for you
still, i’d be screaming for hours to come
this last song to describe how i’ve come undone
 
can you hear me?
can you hear me?
can you hear me?
can you hear me?
 
can’t you hear me?

chapter one

'any man is liable to err, but only a fool persists in error.' - cicero


a nice quote i picked up from reading krish's blog today.
it kinda' got me thinking about how often i re-make the same mistakes i've made.
and in that same sense, how often i avert them.

i remember tw asking me once (totally out of the blue):
"how often do you make mistakes? like, what is your frequency of making mistakes, or in a simpler sense, how many mistakes do you make per day?"
and it was really difficult to answer because there are just so many ways of defining the term 'mistake'.
in the end, i guess if we don't nitpick and include all the minor mundane daily acts of absentmindedness like forgetting to charge your ipod the previous night (would you count this as a 'mistake'?), then i suppose i don't really make mistakes too often.

perhaps it's because i overthink the outcomes of each and every scenario, and this could be a bad thing because we often find that the happiest people are the ones who are simpleminded and easily contented - the 'happy-go-lucky' bunch who don't fret nor regret.
or perhaps it's just 'cause i'm overly afraid of making mistakes?
desperately against being the 'fool' in cicero's quote?

who knows.
and then almost readily, another question would be "why?"
but that would double the length of this post so, nah.

oh and another thing: year 2 sem 1 ended today sigh...

(lol why the gloomy tone?)
well, at first all i thought about was the end, the holidays, the celebrating etc.
and sure as hell, it defo feels good that studying is fina-f*cking-lly over and the holidays are hereeeeeee!

but just like that... another semester passes by...
and honestly, i wish my uni life wouldn't go by so quickly  |:

all the stars are out tonight, it feels as though i might
make some sense out of this madness, will it turn out right?
who's to say where the wind will blow?
time will tell us if we're out of answers when it stops
climb back down to the beginning, take it from the top
who's to say where the wind will blow?

what happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground?
do you pick up the pieces all around?
and if the world should fall apart, hold on to what you know
take your chances, turn around and go

all the leaves are turning and the sky fades to gray
strange our life coincides with the seasons of today
who's to say where the wind will blow?

carry on, you say
bring the best of today
all i see is struggling on the way
maybe when the sun

crashes through the gray
i can find the strength to make it through the day

through the day

i'm no superman

here's part of 'superman' by lazlo bane.
hit me how the song was so apt while i was studying in sheares library today.
anyways, it's the last day of mugging for the sem! and for the year as well (:
oh and sidenote, this song really brings back memories from scrubs and secondary school days. (RMTA moment?)


you've crossed the finish line
won the race but lost your mind
was it worth it after all?


i need you here with me
'cause love is all we need
just take a hold
of the hand that breaks the fall


well i know what i've been told
gotta' break free to break the mold
but i can't do this all on my own
no i can't do this all on my own
i know that i'm no superman
i'm no superman


someday we'll be together
someday...
someday we'll be together
someday...

c'mon lads

it's been exactly 3 months since my injury...

daddy's back.

finding (n)emo

saw this on twitter:

知错能改。但如果连错都不知，那怎么办呢？

i guess this will simply be a test of my resilience.

in fact, everyday is a test of resilience... resilience of character.

the "choices" we make everyday and how truly we hold on to our principles.

all these constitute a never-ending test.

yet, at the end of every single day, i still don't feel totally happy with who i am.

there seems to be this inner turmoil where i don't agree with the things i do.

which is why there are things like P.I.P. and all the other crap i've thought of.

is this what they call 'finding yourself'?


really eagerly await the day where i feel absolutely at home with who i am.

chances

摸不到的顏色 是否叫彩虹?
看不到的擁抱 是否叫做微風?
一個人 想著一個人 是否就叫寂寞?

命運偷走如果 只留下結果
時間偷走初衷 只留下了苦衷
你來過 然後你走後 只留下星空

那一年我們望著星空 有那麼多的 燦爛的夢
以為快樂會永久 像不變星空 陪著我
這一片無言無語星空 為什麼靜靜 看我淚流
如果你在的時候 會不會伸手 擁抱我？

至少回憶會永久 像不變星空 陪著我
最後只剩下星空 像不變回憶 陪著我


a question that has resurfaced frequently in recent months:
would you give chance a try and risk failing, or not try at all and stick to not knowing?

perhaps now a better question would be:
when the likelihood of failure seems high, do you persevere or disengage?

seems like a complicated question, but the answer is actually pretty simple... to me at least.

it's just a matter of being able to wholeheartedly accept your own answer.

chances are we'll be the combination

chances come and carry me

chances are waiting to be taken

and i can see...

chances are the fascination

chances won't escape from me

chances are only what we make them

and all i need

she is the sunlight

if all the flowers faded away
and if all the storm clouds decided to stay
then you would find me each hour the same
she is tomorrow and i am today
'cause if right is leaving, i'd rather be wrong
she is the sunlight... the sun is gone


and if loving her is a heartache for me
and if holding her means that i have to bleed
then i am the martyr, and love is to blame
she is the healing and i am the pain
she lives in a daydream where i don't belong
she is the sunlight... and the sun is gone


and it will take this life of regret
for my heart to learn to forget
tomorrow will be as it always has been
and i will fall to her again
for i know... i've come too close
'cause if right is leaving, i'd rather be wrong
she is the sunlight... and the sun is gone


(sigh this song has always and will always take a special place in my heart)


in other news, looks like we're gonna' audition to play at hog's breath during the month of december and maybe january :| (there's a horizon smile for you)
yup, and hey jude is on our intended setlist! really 1 x timeless classic and i can't wait; hopefully we'll be able to transform and bring this oldie back to life
na na na nananana

2 bikes, 1 long journey

hopefully i'll get to do this someday (:

but i just wonder... who will be my companion on this journey?

dreams keep us going when life gets us down.

constant change

is change really the only thing that's constant?

a month back, i took a walk around j8 and realized they changed the floor tiles argh!
gone are those huge red green and white ones which bring back so clearly my childhood memories of jumping and navigating through the mall, avoiding the red tiles and only stepping on the green and white ones.
haha just like how we all used to navigate around the house without touching the floor? (can i get a hell yea)

snag la the world really moves forward at an undying pace...
technology can theoretically be blamed for all the shit that is happening today, if you think about it carefully...
of course i don't doubt that technology has brought with it many benefits and advantages, but i honestly don't know how the cost-benefit analysis would turn out. in fact, i'm not sure myself, whether i'd prefer a medieval life or the one i'm having right now.

think those of you who know me well often hear me complaining about people being late, sedentary lifestyles and all that crap.
it's so easy to purchase stuff and clothes online now, they just get delivered to your home. and this SIRI nonsense on the iphone really sums up how lazy people are becoming... lol really 1 x epitome.
it's just all too easy now and people are becoming useless maggots.
we create all these advancements in technology and in the end it's the people who are replaced right, so quit complaining about the damn unemployment rates.

lazy bums who aren't made to work for the things they get will never know what true satisfaction is, and they'd never learn how to appreciate the right things in life.

thus, staying in the rural places might be so much better i think.
people there are more contented without all the hustle and bustle of the city.
and we could go about planting our own food, trekking into the hills looking for flowers and berries, swimming in the turquoise-coloured lakes, cycling along long winding never-ending gravel tracks...
cool to think what it was like to chill out back in the olden days, lying by the streams and lakes and pondering the vastness of the universe.

i'd like to have that lifestyle sometime.

(:

love hurts

i had a dream today.

in the dream, we were in a group, and someone was showing us pictures of navy crew on board a ship.
the story was that one of the crew had been constantly haunted by a female spirit, and they were showing us how she often appeared in photos of him.
she would be behind him, next to him, and even lying beside him when he was sleeping.
her postures were eerie, and so was her face.

however the thing was, as i looked on, it only started to seem like i was looking at myself.
although i couldn't see the face of the man (it was blurred out for some reason), i was pretty certain it was kinda' me in a way.
then when the presenter explained the underlying background to the story, i was completely sure that the man wearing the blue navy uniform in those photographs, was me.

after that realization within the dream, the face of the female ghost kept flashing out at close proximity, coming nearer and nearer to me each time.
i panicked and called out for my mom.
and she came, entering my room... and suddenly the scene had switched into one similar to what would happen when i was young: i'd have a nightmare and mom would come into the room and tell me it was only a dream.

however, in this dream, she came in and asked me why i was still calling out for her. and she explained how it has already been so long...
so why was i still thinking about such things?
with that, she left the room and i woke.

i can only deduce that my subconscious revealed itself in my dream.
obviously, i have been hiding all these thoughts and feelings deep down inside.
and the true question that has surfaced now is, why?
i know it has been quite some time already, yes.
and i know that i should be moving on, for it is only foolish to keep dwelling on the past... but it seems like i'm still stuck there.

all i can say is i really just want to be able to start anew.
they say everyone's gonna hurt you eventually so you gotta find those who are worth it.
but i ask, is there really any one such person?
someone who will truly be worth the pain?

somehow this annoying unwavering stupid flicker of a hope in me always burns yes.

sigh.


tonight we drink to youth
and holding fast the truth
don't wanna lose what i had as a boy
my heart still has a beat
but love is now a feat
as common as a cold day in L.A.


sometimes when i'm alone i wonder
is there a spell that i am under
keeping me from seeing the real thing?


love hurts
but sometimes it's a good hurt
and it feels like i'm alive
love sings
when it transcends the bad things
out of heartache, try me
'cause without love i won't survive

earth, our home

i'm in love with mother nature...

really.

the silent lightning tonight was truly truly breathtaking.
also known as heat lightning, when i spotted the white flashes at level 6, i immediately went up to the rooftop.
and once i was there, it was just a matter of standing there and letting the lightshow captivate me.
really really awesome, the sky lighting up in flashes of white, illuminating the entire horizon, outlining the silhouettes of the clouds, and those crazy electric lines streaking across the sky, sometimes fanning out in spectacular fashion...
it just rooted to me the spot and made me not want to go back to my room.

i swear i don't know what my reaction would be if i ever get the chance to witness the northern lights. i bet the colours of the aurora would just blow me away.


i'm in love with mother nature
if i don't find the one, i'd fall for her

cheers and snag

since ris low can invent new words&phrases like boomz, shingz, lehperd prinxxx, zskbra, rreehhhhd, laoood, and hospiti$nil#th*d@bility...
i think i shall invent a new word/phrase too. hahaha

OH SNAG

yes i know SNAG stands for sensitive new age guy.
but from this day forth, i hereby pronounce it an acronym, which means you can just use it as a word (and not have to go S-N-A-G.)

it can be used to replace the expletive "f***", thereby reducing individual vulgar-levels, and is most commonly used in the form of "oh snag."

the next time you reach hall and realize you forgot to bring your laptop with you, remember not to say "oh f***!"

"oh snag" is kinda' like a disappointed and sad "oh shit" meaning.
much like when you buy a lollipop with the intention of giving it to the poor little kid you visit every week at the orphanage, and then on sunday when you enter his room and he breaks into a wide smile upon noticing your arrival... in that split second, you realize you forgot to bring the present that you promised him last week, and your heart sinks... "oh snag."

haha hen sian i hoped i entertained you for a bit there.
as with life, there are always ups and downs, pluses to go alongside the minuses.

so here's something else i came up with:
(B)(Y)
CHEERS

if you type it in msn it comes out like this:

(just imagine the hand emoticon overlapping the beer one slightly)

[edit made at 2:55am, 7 Nov 11]

omfg look what nathong found!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx0fy-9NWFg

AND I HAD FUCKING CRAB BEEHOON THIS MORNING

lost in orbit

an original composition, written in under an hour's time last night.
for now, restricted to visual enjoyment only 'cause it's still in the process of some further refining and editing...
so stay tuned.


[cut 1: recorded on 3 Nov 2011, 3am]

laying, laying barebacked beneath
stayin', awake through the breeze
and we're lying, underneath the soul
of the moonlight, all that glitters is not gold

and i know, we've fought too hard this war
for too long, for too far, we've walked

so why don't you trust me
why don't you
don't you believe me
when i said i'd be with you
oooh till the sky caves down
and the sun burns out
i'll be here
i'll be here

and we're trying, we've been trying all this while
but i'm tired, we never made it far
in the distance, i see the future dim
in the distance, all i see is emptying
yeaahh

so why don't you trust me
why don't you
don't you believe me
when i said i'd be with you
oooh till the sky caves down
and the sun burns out
i'll be here
i'll be here

yeaahh why would i lie about the universe?
the sun, the moon, the stars, and those eyes of hers
ohh i would fall, so hard
like a shooting star would part
from the spaceland, to strike the wasteland
that is my heart

i am sinking
i am sinking
i am sinking
down, down, down
i am sinking
i am sinking
i am sinking
down, down, down

and i see no return
no coming back from the cold
falling hard, falling fast
down this black hole
down this unknown

the trust issue

i hate it when people don't trust me.
lie to you for what?

sigh i believe this issue does not need further explanation.

but just a side-thought...
could it be me?
the way i speak or put my messages across?
sonofa____ i don't know man.

musings.


we're only taking turns
holding this world
it's how it's always been
when you're older, you will understand


and then again maybe you don't
and then again maybe you won't


oooooh

fleeting memories

memories can sometimes be beautiful things, albeit sad.

as i was entering block c just now at 4 plus in the morning, there was a particular smell that brought to mind the exact same smell i used to experience when i was at pasir laba camp going through BSLC.

and then i remembered the time i lost my handphone one sunday as i was on the way to book in.

i remember how i frantically took the train back to city hall to look for it.

i remember how i asked the control station if they could help me by using the cctv.

i remember the station staff lending me their telephone to make a phonecall.

and that night i borrowed my buddy's phone to use.

i seem to remember every detail so clearly, and all the feelings associated with that eventful night.

and i really miss it all.

even though now there is no way of ever going back to that time, it just somehow seems so beautiful to be able to remember it all. like a well-kept videotape from the 1960s which plays back a film from the olden days... and one would just sit and marvel at how it is even able to do so.

just so amazingly beautiful.

幾次真的想让自己醉

让自己远离那许多恩怨是非

让隱藏已久的渴望隨风飞

喔忘了我是誰

男人若沒人愛多可悲

就算是有人听我的歌会流淚

我还是真的期待有人陪

何必在乎我是誰？

not a right, but a privilege

quite a while back, i had the epiphany that we have no right to be sad.
we are extremely blessed compared to the african kids who have neither food to eat nor shelter from the rain and the cold cold nights.
so what gives us any right to complain about anything?

yet, sometimes (and this is getting less frequent, almost rare, which is a good thing), sometimes, when i think certain thoughts, my eyes well up in pain, i feel my face cringe slightly, my heartbeat switches to a heavy throb, and my footsteps, if any, slow down gradually to eventual nothingness.
and i think i often picture myself standing on the seashore or the bank of a vast lake.
when one stares out into the distant nothingness, it becomes easy to wonder how we let it all slip away.

really wonder how long it will take me to fully let go of this.
every once in a blue moon i delve back into this issue and swim around in its murky waters for a bit.
despite closure for that brief respite, it was so readily taken away in a split second...
guess i was living an illusion for that short period.

anyway, got this urge to just be somewhere else now.
listening to the waves and maybe pondering the vastness of our galaxy.
but 3 weeks to exams so such a luxury is not possible ):

sigh, how ironic haha.
it seems like i have neither the right nor the privilege to feel any form of sadness.


愛已不能動
還有什麼值得我心痛？
想你的天空
下起雨來

你怎麼捨得讓我的淚流向海？
付出的感情永遠
找不回來

flint

does it have to start with a broken heart?
broken dreams and bleeding parts? 
we were young and world was clear 
but young ambition disappears 
i swore it would never come to this 
the average, the obvious
ah i'm still discontented down here
i'm still discontented


if we only got one try
if we only got one life
if time was never on our side
then before i die, i want to burn out bright


so a spark ignites in time and space
limping through this human race
you bite and claw your way back home 
but you're running the wrong way
the future is a question mark
of kerosene and electric sparks
there's still fire in you yet
yeah there's still fire in you


i keep cleaning up the mess i've made
i keep cleaning up the mess i've made
i won't run away

survivor / thrivor

been fighting things that i can't see in 
like voices comin' from the inside of me and 
like doing things i find hard to believe in 
am i myself, or am i dreaming? 

i've been awake for an hour or so 
checking for a pulse but i just don't know 
am i a man when i feel like a ghost? 
the stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes 

no i'm not alright 
i know that i'm not right 
a steering wheel don't mean you can drive 
a warm body don't mean i'm alive 
no i'm not alright 
i know that i'm not right 
it feels like i travel but i never arrive 
i want to thrive, not just survive 


i'm always close but i'm never enough 
i'm always in line but i'm never in love 
i get so down but i won't give up 
i get slowed down but i won't give up


on a side note, health should never be taken for granted.
it's really quite hard to emphasize on the importance of this.

would you, souvenirs?

i close my eyes and go back in time
i can see you smiling, you're so alive
we were so young, we had no fear
we were so young, we had no idea


that nothing lasts forever

sometimes i don't know if i'd trade them away.

ocean wide

life is like the ocean.
and we are mere boats, sitting on a vast expanse of water while the waves pass by beneath us.

as such, we all have our ups and downs; sometimes riding on the crest of a wave, and sometimes stuck in the troughs.

if we are lucky, we manage to stay on the crest for a nice period of time.
other times though, we are trapped in the troughs for too long... and life becomes gloomy because we cannot see the horizon.

i believe it is fair to say that as the waves pass us by, we will always alternate between being on the crests and being in the troughs.
therefore, we must always keep in mind that where we are at any point in time will not stay that way forever.

consequently, we should never take the highs for granted.
neither should we lose hope so readily during the lows.

of course, with a large wavelength, it may seem that the time between two crests can become uncomfortably long.... but it will not stay that way forever.

thus, let us sail on through the storms and ride on!
for i'd really like to know what lies beyond that shimmering horizon.


when she was just a girl
she expected the world
but it fell away from her reach
and the bullets catch in her teeth
life goes on, it gets so heavy
the wheel breaks the butterfly
every tear's a waterfall
in the night, the stormy night, she'd close her eyes


and so lying underneath those stormy skies
she'd say, "oh oh oh oh oh i know the sun must set to rise"

fix you

when you try your best, but you don't succeed
when you get what you want, but not what you need
when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse


and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone, but it goes to waste
could it be worse?


lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try
to fix you


and high up above or down below
when you're too in love, to let it go
but if you never try, you'll never know
just what you're worth


tears stream down on your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
tears stream down on your face
and i...


will try to fix you.

up, up, and back down

when down in a rut, it's very difficult to climb back up.

one could be stuck for a lengthy period of time... always trying to climb out, but falling back in repeatedly.
and times like these we really need a helping hand.

it's simply ultra-disheartening when the ones who are trying (i won't say "supposed" here because i don't see why anyone is obliged. perhaps the closest of friends?) to help you out throw their hands up in despair and just decide to give up. it's not like we're not trying to get out.

and sure, forget the effort i put in.
forget the appreciation i've shown, as well as the loyalty.

yes, we all have our difficult days.
and yes, we aren't infallible.
but i'd go so far to say that when you were in your rut, i did try my best to spread my sunshine into your darkness.
curses be upon me if this isn't true, and i shunned away when you needed a friend to be there.
in that case, then i don't mind this being karma coming round to serve justice.



"it may be stormy now, but it won't rain forever."
sigh somehow i'm unable to argue against this damn statement.

你不是真正的快乐

难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了


为什麽失去了
还要被惩罚呢


能不能就让悲伤
全部结束在此刻


重新开始活着

轨迹

怎么隐藏 我的悲伤 
失去你的地方 
你的发香 散的匆忙 
我已经跟不上 
闭上眼睛 还能看见 
你离去的痕迹 
在月光下 一直找寻  
那想念的身影 

如果说分手是苦痛的起点 
那在终点之前 
我愿意再爱一遍 
想要对你说的 
不敢说的爱 
会不会有人可以明白 

我会发着呆 然后忘记你 
接着紧紧闭上眼 
想着那一天 会有人代替 
让我不再想念你 
我会发着呆 然后微微笑 
接着紧紧闭上眼 
又想了一遍 你温柔的脸 
在我忘记之前 

心里的眼泪 
模糊了视线 
你已快看不见

and you are?

lately, i've noticed that some people have like 4,000 friends on facebook.
and like, who are you kidding man; which person would know all 4,000?
perhaps you'd only keep in touch with like 10% of the total, kinda' know another 40%, and then the rest would be acquaintances or people you added randomly in the past when you used to play stupid facebook games *looks behind*

it's amusing really, how i log into facebook daily and look at the birthdays bar.
there are 4 options available:
1) i know the person well... i send a very warmhearted birthday wish.
2) i know the person, or kinda' know the person, or used to know the person but we lost touch... i send a general template kinda' wish (but still sincere).
3) i don't really know the person, we hardly talk, or we didn't even really use to talk much... i don't wish.
4) i don't recognize a shit, click on mutual friends, see a number close to null... and i unfriend.

it's a really good way of clearing your facebook friends and keeping the friendlist neat and tidy, not clattered with all sorts of random strangers.
this way, you know your status updates won't be going out to unnecessary people you don't want knowing about your life.

oh and as you guys know, i have this thing for general neatness and tidiness?
like keeping my toiletries in rows, neatly in a particular order...
my laptop = parallel to the table edge, no discrepancies in the degrees...
also, nice round numbers of 10 posts a month etc etc...

so...
i just checked.
and i have 1079 friends on facebook...

ygolohcysp esrever

i've had quite a few people coming up to me recently, telling me their problems, and asking me for advice, opinions, views etc.
sad people with problems; some heartbroken, others just unsure about certain things.

there's a huge range actually.
some really pour out deep secrets, whereas some simply just wanna' chill with music, or like go out on a bike ride in the wee hours.

and perhaps, it's just 'cause i'm the "emo dude" that people go to in such times, or perhaps (and hopefully) this simply means that i am generally becoming more approachable on the overall.
which is good, i believe.
i think it can be considered as a subsection of the PIP?

plus anyway it's nice to be the person people go to in their times of need.
(okay not always but you get the gist)

it's pretty cool to be sitting in my room with the desklight on, hand under my chin and nodding occasionally while my so-called 'client' sits on the bed and confides.
i wouldn't dare put a wager on my future occupation being anything like this though.

it started with a low light
next thing i knew they ripped me from my bed
and then they took my blood type
they left a strange impression in my head
you know that i was hoping
that i could leave this starcrossed world behind
but when they cut me open
i guess i changed my mind

understood

just a random thought.
when someone is said to be understanding, sometimes he/she doesn't really understand anything.

understanding - adj
1. sympathetic, tolerant, or wise towards people
2. possessing judgement and intelligence

i think many a times, people with point no. 1, unfortunately, do not have no. 2.
:\

enchanted

here's one of jon mclaughlin's best.
piano can really sound so awesome at times.
okay, almost all of the time.


you're in my arms
and all the world is calm
the music playing on, for only two
so close together
and when i'm with you
so close, to feeling alive

a life goes by
romantic dreams must die
so i bid mine goodbye, and never knew
so close was waiting, waiting here with you
and now forever i know
all that i want is
to hold you
so close

so close to reaching, that famous happy end
almost believing, this one's not pretend
and now you're beside me, and look how far we've come
so far, we are
so close

let's go on dreaming, for we know we are
so close
so close
and still
so far

spaceman

i have this OCD thing going on where i simply must have 10 posts a month, or at least a multiple of ten 'cause it makes things seem neater this way.
and right now it's the 25th so that means i'm behind in my schedule!
(if you take the average rate to be roughly 1 post every 3 days.)
and so i'd better do some catching up even though it's been a swampy week with the gloomy midterms approaching.

now... admittedly, sometimes i post lyrics as blogposts.
and this has drawn a certain amount of flak from readers because apparently it just doesn't count as blogging.
haha but i beg to differ.

music is such a big part of our lives.
'cause without it, i think we couldn't survive.
and many a time we chance upon a particular song that just captivates us...
with its tune, its beat, its lyrics, its heartfelt words.

sometimes it just has to be shared!
and besides, somehow, whatever you wanted to say/blog about was beautifully encapsulated in that particular song.
although your audience might not understand the true underlying meaning of how exactly you relate to the words of that particular song, i believe that as long as the writer does, that's all that matters.
and hopefully years down the road, when we look back and read these posts again, we might have a faint recollection of why we chose to share that song.

this is just a reminder, and a tribute, to how big a role music plays in my life.
jamming, singing, playing the guitar.
randomly sampling songs on youtube.
chilling with the ipod amidst the mundane drone of public transport.
awesome stuff.

p.s. this blogpost is titled 'spaceman' in memory of alfi the company medic while i was still serving my time in 1SIR bravo coy. talented guitarist; he used to jam and sing in the bunk till late at night (:
incidentally, 'spaceman' is also the title of an awesome killers song.


and you know i might
have just flown too far from the floor this time
'cause they're calling me by my name
and they're zipping white light beams
disregarding bombs and satellites
and that was the turning point
that was one lonely night


the songmaker says "it ain't so bad"
the dreammaker's gonna' make you mad
the spaceman says "everybody look down"
it's all in your mind

embrace or repress?

i just spent half an hour, trying to put my wildly wandering thoughts neatly down into this blogpost.
'cause it struck me today, this question.

should we embrace being ourselves, or repress this so-called innate behaviour just because the world says that it isn't good for us?
wouldn't that be lying to ourselves and somewhat forcing the truth down under the carpet?
and besides, we all know that it will eventually surface and come to light someday.

anyway, i wrote quite a lot of gibberish...
unstructured thoughts in poorly formed sentences.
but then i chose to delete the entire chunk and fill the space up with this instead.

haha i think it's pretty apt man.
and it really sums up what i've been trying to say about repressing the truthful honest words.
we always replace them with the facade that we'd rather the world see.

oh and the dream i had this morning just backs me up like nobody's business.

she's outta' my hands
and i'll never know where i stand

unspoken words, intangible hurt

don't lie and say that it's okay
it's alright if there's nothing more to say
so i'm running away
i'm leaving this place


don't tell me i'm the one to blame
it's too late for you to make me stay
no i won't stay
so i'm running away
i'm running away


and faster than you can follow me from this lonely place
and farther than you can find me; i'm leaving
yeah i'm leaving today


and i, i'll never let you find me
i'm leaving you behind with the past
no i won't look back
and i don't wanna' hear your reasons
don't wanna' hear you tell me why i should stay


and try, try to understand me
try to understand what i say when i say i can't stay
i, i'm moving on from this place
i'm leaving and i won't quit running away

fireworks

looking at old photos just puts so much emotion through me.

some make me happy, some sad.
ah, that feeling of nostalgia...
knowing exactly where that particular scene took place, what happened, how i felt at that moment.

just so happened i chanced upon a photo as my itunes played out the lyrics from fireworks by you me at six.
"remember when you were my boat, and i was your sea? together we'd float, so delicately."
sigh it was so apt i was taken aback for a few seconds there, kinda' just... lost.


oh well, so much for trying to stay positive these past few days.
anyway i just had to type this out otherwise it'd be impossible for me to fall asleep.

So this is the end of you and me
We had a good run and I'm setting you free
To do as you want, to do as you please
Without me
Remember when you were my boat and I was your sea?
Together we'd float so delicately
But that was back when we could talk about anything


'Cause I don't know who I am
When you're running circles in my head
And I don't know just who you are
When you're sleeping in someone else's bed


Three whole words and eight letters late
That would have worked on me yesterday
We're not the same, I wish that could change
But it can't
And I'll say your name and in the same breath
I'll say something that I'll grow to regret
So keep your hands on your chest and sing with me
That we don't wanna believe 


So it's true what they say
If you love someone, you should set them free
Oh, it's true what they say
You went and threw it away


I don't know who you are

every t is a w

i turn the music up, i've got my records on
i shut the world outside until the lights come on 
maybe the streets alight, maybe the trees are gone
i feel my heart start beating to my favorite song
and all the kids they dance, all the kids all night
until monday morning feels another life
i turn the music up, i'm on a roll this time
and heaven is in sight


i turn the music up, i've got my records on
from underneath the rubble, sing a rebel song
don't wanna' see another generation drop
i'd rather be a comma, than a full stop
maybe i'm in the black, maybe i'm on my knees
maybe i'm in the gap between the two trapezes
but my heart is beating and my pulses start
cathedrals in my heart


as we saw oh this light
i swear you, emerge blinking into
to tell me it's alright
as we soar walls
every siren is a symphony
and every tear's a waterfall


is a waterfall
ah
is a waterfall
ah ah ah
is a waterfall
every tear
is a waterfall 
ah ah ah


so you can hurt, hurt me bad
but still i raise... the flag


every tear
every tear
every teardrop is a waterfall