the first few days especially, and perhaps one could say the entire first week in general.
i've really tried quite hard to get to where i am now; to battle out of the pits where i was at my lowest, dust myself off, and carry on walking, step by step. i would say that it really takes effort to put everything back in place, piece by piece... and then after all that is done, one still needs to hold it all together otherwise it'll just fall apart again.
it took effort, but i made it.
i found positivity by the second week, and i held on to it tightly... not only because i know that i need to stay out of the negative zone (in order to avoid experiencing dysfunction in my daily life), but also because i know that i need to be there for certain people... friends who need me.
selfish as it sounds, i had the initial belief that during this period, my friends would be the ones there for me. bros whom i could lean on, people who would support me and give me the reason to keep looking up. i never expected that i would be the pillar that they would lean on instead; i never thought that the roles would be reversed in this manner.
but i tried my best. i stayed strong, perhaps under the self-delusion that i could do it, and that this would be the role i needed to play. after all, they needed the support more than i did... and without me, how would they tide through this period? i couldn't possibly let them down... no, i wouldn't.
i had to help them, and be there for them, amongst my own personal fight.
but then again, even the strongest pillars have their weight limits...
all pillars do.
so unfortunately, i don't think that my pillar is going to be able to stand much longer.
in fact, it feels like i'm only pretending to be strong when the reality is i cannot carry two loads on my own.
furthermore, the truth is, whenever i'm there as a bro and trying my best to help, my efforts just get pushed away or ignored as a result of the opposite party's reclusion. and yet, during the desperate moments, the calls and pleas come in, all of which i cannot possibly turn down.
8 years of friendship isn't for nothing. there's an unspoken responsibility to rise in aid whenever the time calls for it. but there's no way i can help if the other person isn't going to accept it.
right now i feel a little tired of it all and i have this urge to just throw in the towel. honestly, i'm considering giving up at this point, i really am. it really is difficult enough on my side, and i'm frustrated that even though i'm sincerely concerned and always ready to stretch out my hand to help, there isn't much effort to even reach for it.
i ask myself whether i should abandon these efforts altogether, and just retreat into my own fortress for now, holding up inside like how rohan did at helm's deep.
and perhaps i should. take the time off, focus on my own defenses.
after all, it would be highly unwise to send the forces out to aid allies when the base isn't even secure.
yet, when the beacons are lit, one can't help but have the feeling that rohan will answer again, when gondor calls for aid.
 |
| the battle of morannon |
sometimes it's better to keep silent than to tell others how you feel.
because it hurts badly when you come to know that, although they can hear you,
they cannot understand you.
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