idealistic fool

whenever i am blessed with the opportunity to own something perfect, i swear i'd give it the best care and protection it deserves. i'd keep it safe and far away from harm, and keep it just the way it is - perfect.
and i'd always want to keep it that way, shiny and unblemished...
with each time i set my eyes upon it again, it would trigger the same elation and joy that i initially experienced when i first saw it.

i would really hate to see the first signs of wear and tear, when they appear.
even be it a tiny scratch underneath where people would hardly notice.
and many would just say that "oh it's just a small scratch that can't be seen... don't worry about it."

but no, i cannot accept that.
it's simply giving an excuse, which will only lead to more and more excuses in the future.
constantly telling yourself that "hey it's just this one time..." will not help the matter, and in fact, i believe that it will only lead to increased tendency to let your guard down and then make up more excuses when scratches occur again.

in the end, the effort to maintain your perfect object just diminishes to a near zero.
and then, what happened to that drive in the beginning?
worse still, what happens to the poor object?
it just slowly crumbles, and the cuts become longer and deeper with each additional time it is dropped... touch wood it shatters completely.

which is why i have always made the conscious effort to not loosen my grip on such matters, because it will only result in terrible things to come. we stop caring, we stop making the effort, we lose the sense of responsibility we once had, we become apathetic to something that is in fact so very dear to our hearts.

so, am i too idealistic?
and is it too much to ask for?

it's unrealistic to keep something perfect forever.
but i refuse to give up these stubborn efforts of mine.

all i want is to protect my dream come true.

虽然眼里没出现泪滴，

但心里的雨却其实下得很大，

很大。

vanilla twilight

the stars lean down to kiss you

and i lie awake and miss you

pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'cause i'll doze off safe and soundly

but i'll miss your arms around me

i'd send a postcard to you, dear

'cause i wish you were here

i'll watch the night turn light-blue

but it's not the same without you

because it takes two to whisper quietly

the silence isn't so bad

'til i look at my hands and feel sad

'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly

i'll find repose in new ways

though i haven't slept in two days

'cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

but drenched in vanilla twilight

i'll sit on the front porch all night

waist-deep in thought because when i think of you

i don't feel so alone

i don't feel so alone

i don't feel so alone

as many times as i blink

i'll think of you tonight

i'll think of you tonight

when violet eyes get brighter

and heavy wings grow lighter

i'll taste the sky and feel alive again

and i'll forget the world that i knew

but i swear i won't forget you

oh, if my voice could reach back through the past

i'd whisper in your ear

"oh darling, i wish you were here."

run

i'll sing it one last time for you
then we really have to go
you've been the only thing that's right
in all i've done

and i can barely look at you
but every single time i do
i know we'll make it anywhere
away from here

light up, light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear

louder, louder
and we'll run for our lives
i can hardly speak, i understand
why you can't raise your voice to say

to think i might not see those eyes
makes it so hard not to cry
and as we say our long goodbyes
i nearly do

light up, light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear

louder, louder
and we'll run for our lives
i can hardly speak, i understand
why you can't raise your voice to say

slower, slower
we don't have time for that
all i want is to find an easier way
to get out of our little heads

have heart my dear
we're bound to be afraid
even if it's just for a few days
making up for all this mess

light up, light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear

love sings

tonight we drink to youth, and holding fast to truth

don't wanna lose what i had as a boy

my heart still has a beat, but love is now a feat

as common as a cold day in LA

sometimes when i'm alone i wonder

is there a spell that i am under

keeping me from seeing the real thing?

love hurts

but sometimes it's a good hurt

and it feels like i'm alive

love sings

when it transcends the bad things

have a heart and try me

'cause without love i won't survive

tethered and abused, i stand naked and accused

should i surface this one-man submarine?

i only want the truth, so tonight we drink to youth

i'll never lose what i had as a boy

love hurts

but sometimes it's a good hurt

and it feels like i'm alive

love sings

when it transcends the bad things

have a heart and try me

'cause without love i won't survive

without love i won't survive

acceptance

sometimes i really hate it that i'm this way.

but then what?
do i fight it?
detest it?
or accept it?

we are who we are.
if we don't learn to accept ourselves, who will?

in a sense, i have no choice but to accept this part of me.

yet, the matter of fact remains.
i don't like it.




i cannot hold this anymore
my hands are tired of only waiting to let go
and i am waiting, still

没那么简单

attended the lecture today on affect and cognition.
and learnt how people who are generally predisposed (as compared to contextually influenced) as affectively negative, are more likely to engage in systematic processing.

which may serve to provide a reason as to why i always have to read through every detail meticulously (slightly OCD-ish) and make a thorough and well-considered decision, instead of relying on heuristics and making snap-shot judgments.

therefore, it may seem that i can be said to be someone with general negative disposition.
but anyway i don't think this is anything new :\

something else i took away from the lecture was the mood-as-information effect, where we take our current moods and affective states, to serve as evidence from which we can draw conclusions and make judgments about various scenarios/targets. for example, a study showed that asking people to rate their life satisfaction on sunny vs rainy days, resulted in significantly different findings.

consequently, the first thought that came to mind was how to make use of such an effect. and clearly, mood can quite easily be manipulated (e.g. via music, deliberate thoughts, exposure only to selected stimuli etc) in order to "deceive" the self into believing that life is better than it really is.

and i believe that such deception can be quite easily achieved.

however, constant suppression isn't without its occasional leaks.
and the title of this post clearly sums up the state of the matter.

on the other side

put your hand in mine

can you read the signs?

i'll never lose you

i couldn't choose to if i tried

put your faith in me

what will be will be

some things i know and

i know that you were meant for me

i don't know where the ocean meets the sky

don't know why the world keeps spinning by

don't know why the hours move so slow

babe, when i'm with you, i don't wanna know

wanna feel your feet lifting off the ground

i wanna feel you love me at the speed of sound

babe, it could end tonight, but know it would be alright

'cause i'm gonna love you

somewhere on the other side

and i will be there for you

be there to shelter you

anywhere you go, you know i will be

i don't know why the stars fall from the sky

i don't know why the heavens open wide

don't know where the winds of change will blow

but when i'm with you, i don't need to know